I hate that this is already the fifth day of my trip. Only eight more days to go!
I realize this trip is, first and foremost, a lesson in experiencing the present, what is right in front of me, what is happening in the second it is happening instead of planning for later and filing stuff away to examine in the early hours of the morning. Letting go of past experiences, not dreading future ways I can find to humiliate myself. It is not easy. Music helps, though.
I don’t want the amazing things I see to be items I just check off a list. These need to be real experiences. I need to be able to carry them with me, I need them to make me stronger, I need to be able to hold on to them when everything eventually goes to shit. I am under no illusion that what I’m living now is anything other than the fairy tale prelude to a shitshow.
I’m getting desperate to put my hands on what I came here for: breathtaking views of the Golden Gate Bridge, bottomless mimosas, a sense of belonging and validation in the LGBTQIA community, a hot pretzel, shared values and culture with fellow travelers. A taste of good old ‘Murica. A breather from a boring, mostly sad life. Education. Mind-opening experiences. A life-changing revelation. Good books. Hipster bling. Whatever.